Ladies, have you ever been into a public 'convenience' (restroom, lavatory, bog) and found the facilities not to be up your preferred level of cleanliness? You badly need a pee but you daren't sit down for fear of catching something nasty.
What's the solution. Easy! Pee standing up!
"Impossible!", you say? Oh no it's not! There are women out there who do it every day.
THE WRITER: Suki Kent
THE TIME: 3am Sunday morning
THE PLACE: A club in a disused factory, Stoke Newington
THE TOILET: Floor ankle-deep in unidentified liquid. Cistern lid broken on floor. Water in toilet bowl close to overflowing
THE OCCASION: The perfect pee
So. The perfect pee. Hello? How the f*** can any girl experience the perfect pee in these circumstances? Even leaving aside the tide-line creeping up the sides of yer sandals: ignoring the loo roll embedding itself on your heel: how can this pee be anything but traumatic?
What's a girl to do? Hover? Or plonk? To hover means clenched thigh muscles and an insufficiently emptied bladder. But plonking yer ass down on the seat means exposing delicate flesh to the fluids of strangers. Ew! And yet, last night, pee nirvana was reached under exactly these conditions. How can this beee?
BACK IN THE ARC
'Male urination', Camille Paglia once famously commented, 'is a kind of accomplishment, an arc of transcendence. A woman merely waters the ground she stands on.' This accomplishment, Paglia asserts, is 'beyond the scope' of a woman. The arc, and its accompanying powers of 'concentration and projection', are something a woman will 'never master'.
This, dear reader, is bollocks.
LIKE A GEEZER (NOT A GEYSER)
'Suki', the editor said to me, 'this sea sponge article is fantastic. People love it. I've had loads of letters about it. I'm promoting you. Your job title is now: Chief Investigative Journalist from the Fringes of Girl Culture.'
'Er, thanks. That's nice.'
'Yeah. So, now I want you to learn to pee standing up.'
'Well, I already do that. You know when you're somewhere dodgy, and there's, like, weird hairs on the loo-seat, and drips and stuff. Did you know that there's like a million diseases you--'
'Suki. I'm not talking about hovering.'
'You're not?'
'I'm talking about peeing standing up. Facing forwards. Like a geezer.'
'L-like... a geezer?'
'Yeah. And don't come back until you can.'
STAND BY YOUR MAN
An article in the sadly departed Nova magazine debated the merits of hovering vs. plonking, following a Mori poll which found that 48% of women never sit on a seat in a public toilet, whether it looks clean or not. But both hovering and plonking have their drawbacks.
Hovering means that the bladder is not properly emptied, which can cause urinary tract infections such as cystitis. Plonking means potential exposure to water-borne bugs such as trichomonas. What Nova neglected to mention is that there is a Third Way. It's simple, convenient, speedy, natural, and fun.
Pee like a geezer!
THERE'S ONLY ONE PLACE WE CAN GO
There's only one place where girls can be taught to pee standing up. Apart from, that is, the NHS classes that teach F-to-M transsexuals how to be guys. Unfortunately, I was refused entrance to these classes on the grounds that wanting to pee like a geezer wasn't the same as actually wanting to be, like, a geezer.
Nope, that one place is a website, www.restrooms.org, set up by a woman known as 'Denise Decker'. Denise is a nurse who sought to combine her interests in sociology, nursing, architecture and orienteering in a site devoted to 'restrooms'. The most popular section of the site is 'The Pee Standing Technique for Women'. 'I thought it was a cool trick,' Denise writes, 'and thought other women might like to know about it too.'
Paglia's 'biology is destiny' viewpoint is challenged by the sheer numbers of female users who don't seem to have found the production of their own 'arc of transcendence' any kind of problem. There is also a history section, which points out that the female squatting / male standing template is far from universal. For example, among the Tuarags in Africa, the females stand to pee while the males crouch.
GO ON NOW, GO
I soon discover that peeing standing up is not as easy as I'd anticipated. In fact, it's not easy at all. Actually, nothing is happening. My body, desperate for a wazz mere seconds before, has suddenly developed a chilled down, take-it-or-leave-it attitude towards the whole affair. I ain't surprised. This whole standing-up, legs-straight, spine-arched, lips-spread thang feels utterly, utterly wrong. But I persevere. And then I discover why restrooms.org suggests trying your first couple of attempts in the shower. Let's just say, uh, sprinkler system.
'Practice, practice, practice', advises one experienced user of the technique. 'You must decide that you will never sit to pee again, no matter how lazy you feel. You have to practice hundreds of times to get really good at it. Over the next couple of months I drink a lot of water. And a lot of beer.
EVERYTHING FLOWS
Restrooms.org is my constant friend throughout this time. A good thing, too, since none of my real friends want to hear about it. Well, none of the boys. The girls love it. A surprising number of them have tried it themselves.
The boys, however, are either grossed out (my boyfriend said 'Ew! Don't tell me!' then looked at me funny for the rest of the night), or disdainful ('what do you want to do that for? Feh. That's just sad.')
This is unfortunate, as it is from these guys that I need to get hints and tips. I take to asking my boyfriend questions just as he's waking up. Whispering 'what about splashback' in his ear before his eyes are even open.
What I discover is that, if the male organ is like an automatic camera (just point and shoot), the female organ is rather more like an SLR. You have to get all the bits in the right place to get it right. Or, as Denise puts it on Restrooms.org: 'It's like learning how to whistle. You have to learn how to position your lips for the best results.'
THERE SHE GOES
The anonymity of the internet means that site users at restrooms.org are open about their experiences. 'Gabrielle' describes her technique thus:
I stand with my feet slightly apart, about shoulder width, my pants and panties pulled down to my knees. I lean back slightly at the waist, with some arch in my back. When I start to pee, I push hard to start a strong stream, and push again at the end to keep the stream up until I'm done. Aiming and stream control are accomplished mostly with the hips.
Another woman, 'Emily', emphasises the importance of ' a strong star and rapid shut-off, to ensure no dribbling.' For this, you need strong Kegel muscles (that's vaginal muscles to you, dear.)
Luckily, I have Kegels of steel (the only muscle group in my body to get a regular workout, heh heh heh.) Over the next few months, things (that's things as in aim, stream control, and the drips issue) improve steadily. I feel quite proud of myself, and have to refrain from offering to show my new skill to people.
LET IT ALL OUT
Which leads us to the perfect pee. Back in the day, this flooded, filthy toilet would have proven a threatening, awkward experience for me. Now, however, it presents a chance for me to triumph in the face of adversity. An opportunity to practice my new art. And a way to keep my precious girly bits far, far away from that dubious toilet-bowl.
The conditions are ideal: the vodka I've drunk ensures a steady stream; my high heels help me to get the angle just right. I look proudly down on my very own arc of transcendence, and fantasise about writing my name in the snow. Roll on winter!
THE PEE STANDING TECHNIQUE FOR WOMEN
(modified from the website)
1) Raise the toilet seat.
2) Wash your hands.
3) Adjust clothing. Trousers should be pulled down in front a few inches. Skirts should be lifted. Underwear should be pulled down at the waistband, or move the fabric at the crotch to one side.
4) Using either hand, make a 'V' with your first and second finger and spread the inside of your labia minora.
5) Lift to the desired angle, then pee. (If you don't spread and lift, it could run down your leg.)
6) Wipe your labia if necessary.
7) Return the toilet seat to its original position. Wash your hands and you're done!
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